A brief history of my political & personal consciousness
Do you remember the last time you wept for so long, and so hard, that the skin around your eyes became irritated and dry from the salt? That your eyelashes became crispy? For me, that was Wednesday, April 8th, 2020, when Bernie Sanders announced that he would be suspending his 2020 presidential campaign. Before that, the last time was September 2017-February 2018, when my father, my single parent, passed away unexpectedly.
All of April 8, 9, and 10 proceeded to be really sad. Even though I knew in my heart, and still do, that it’s not really a total loss, the path just looks different than we had hoped for. I just needed time to grieve. And, just to be clear — Bernie is just suspending. He is still on the ballot, still collecting delegates, and he could still *technically* win the nomination. But, it is probably best for all our hearts and minds to assume he won’t. With that said, I wanted to share with you why Bernie’s running is so dear to my heart. It’s so dear to so many of us. Just like my other essays, my goal is to simply share my experiences and perspectives with you. If you gain something, wonderful. And if you don’t, well, then you just know me a little bit better.
As I have written about before, I was raised by a single, working, poor, struggling, substance using father. He struggled with opiates, crack, meth, marjuana, and alcohol. We wavered between abject poverty and working class poverty on and off, back and forth. Things fell apart, often. I learned at a young age how to take care of the household, pay bills, cook, go to the pawnship, fill out a parent permission slip, and cover up my dad’s irresponsibilities.
Growing up poor, under the “supervision” of someone who I would describe as a chronic victim of the War on Drugs, carries both beauty and tragedy. There is a beauty in teaching youth how to be responsible, and useful. And when youth learn that for their own survival and well-being, the incentive to truly learn is great. However, it’s also tragic, of course, because it’s scary. Because, that possibility of not having some basic needs met, or even worse, of dying, is real.
Anyways, fast forward to high school, when things got a little better for me and pops; and I had to take classes on US history, economics, and government. I remember learning about new ideas, new ways of doing things, histories that I started seeing in a new light. Not because of the content — but because of my own curiosity and critical thinking. And then, I had a friend, who was the cousin of a friend who went to my high school. And he and I connected on MySpace, where I quickly learned (because it was a big part of his identity) that he was a Leftist. My connection with him, along with my healthy skepticism of what I learned in school, made me realize: there might be a better way to do all this (economics). The year was 2006.
So sure enough, I learned about other countries and their ways of doing things. I learned about their spending, their population health outcomes, and their happiness levels. I learned about the different social ills and which countries had a “better grip” on them. And trust — that all this became even more extreme, when I attended UC Santa Cruz as an undergraduate.
So there I was, 18 years old, learning about every single social ill, in a Leftist hot bed in the redwoods, becoming politicized. And I was full of rage.
I was angry that I lived the way I did as a kid, fearful all the time about my well-being, not because it was so bad (in global standards), but because it did not have to be that way. And that’s when I really started to identify as a Leftist. Specifically, an anarcho-socialist or anarcho-communist. I was empowered by being in a space where there were others who thought like me, and had the same values as me. And while I have become more pragmatic and less esoteric over the years, I still identify with these political ideologies. And is why, my friends, I was so sad, on April 8, 2020. Even in 2016, I never thought that a person, a socialist, with my values, would ever run for US president. And here he was, the whole time, even before I was born, politic-ing, advocating for us and for the working class. And he’s still going at it. He’s chatting with Cardi B. Bless his fkn heart.
I am motivated by love, health, pleasure, joy, and connection. As such, working towards a healthier, more humane world (which I know is possible) will always be an important part of my life. We live in a time where technology can be used to help us all work less — and instead, we are witnessing the greatest economic inequality of all time. People are afraid of the robots taking over — let them take over! But not in capitalism. Capitalism is the problem. Not the robots.
I identify as both a leftist and anarchist (on the political compass I score closely to Peter Kropotkin, a true polymath ❤), which means that I believe our economy should be owned by all of us; that all of our contributions should come together to take care of one another when we need it; that being born in 2020 should entitle you to your basic needs, to love, to care, to healthy sex and relationships, to education and skills, to peace, and to a safe environment; and that both individuals and communities should be empowered to make important decisions for themselves. I say all this because there are many people, who are afraid of Leftist ideas due to the “Red Scare,” or due to living through horrendous authoritarian Communist projects like the Khmer Rouge, Viet Cong, and to a certain extent, the USSR. I honor, witness, and respect that fear and trauma. I want to make it clear that economics are one thing, and social control is another thing. See https://www.politicalcompass.org for more…
I mean it’s [anarcho-syndicalism] not at all the general image that you described — people running around the streets, you know, breaking store windows — but [anarcho-syndicalism] is a conception of a very organized society, but organized from below by direct participation at every level, with as little control and domination as is feasible, maybe none. — Noam Chomsky
And also, I’m not going to pretend that I have an exact recipe for how to get the world that I dream of, and I am also accepting of (like many other anarchists) the fact that the world I dream of, on a large scale, will not happen in my lifetime. But! That doesn’t mean that I cannot implement these ideals and practices into my own relationship with myself, my friends, my lovers, my partners, my communities, and my organizations. I can, and I do. And ultimately, I really believe, strongly, that we all have to start building this better world by liberating and healing our own minds.
And now, fast forward to 2020. I am a full-on, independent adult. Learning, healing, and growing. My civic engagement, and my political organizing, are both a big part of my identity. I was just talking to a friend about this. We are all dynamic — but almost all of us have certain parts of our identities that are more important to us — for whatever reason. For example, my gender identity (as a woman) is very important to me, but it’s not as important as my identity as a poor person (I’m not poor anymore, but I grew up poor). My sexual orientation (pan, queer, or fluid) is important to me, but it’s not as important to me as my identity as the daughter of a victim of the War on Drugs and the Opioid Crisis.
Now, that I’m an adult and am at a point in my spiritual and emotional development in which I feel less anger and more acceptance, and more compassion, it’s important to me that I be a part of large, broad progressive and Leftist movements. It’s very easy to critique an organization and movement because guess what — we’re all human and we make mistakes, and are limited by our human existence and experience. But, I’ve found DSA to be a great place for me. There are things I could do without — for example, the hatred towards the rich from some members, and the worker-centric language [again, from some members] which can be dismissive of non-traditional work or folks who cannot work. But like I said, there’s always flaws and issues, and people are working through their own anger (just like I was, when I was younger) and understandings of the world. And I’ve found that my voice and perspectives are very welcome in this space, for the most part.
I encourage you to join DSA, or any other org that resonates with you, if you feel that you are not particularly civically engaged — our generation needs to get back into this. Join an org, go to your neighborhood council meeting (you WILL be the only young person, maybe the only person of color, etc., be ready), or whatever you feel called to. Even if it’s just an hour or two a week. And ultimately, may we all play our part in constructing a better world — a world that we know is possible if we all rise up, heal, and act together — really.
XOXO. Esme. ❤
